‘My hardest hit to the heart’

A year later, archdiocesan grief lifting


Taylor Basista knew well the daunting odds of beating glioblastoma, having spent hours in operating rooms as a nurse, assisting neurosurgeons tasked with taking on the most aggressive and lethal of malignant brain tumors in adults.

Those odds: 5%, maybe 7% chance to live five years, with the more realistic median survival at 12 to 18 months. Less than 1% make it to 10 years.

So when a glioblastoma diagnosis came in for Father Joseph Jacobi in spring 2023, Basista, now the nurse serving priests in the Archdiocese of Oklahoma City, knew the prognosis was dire. Even for a nurse hardened by experience, it hurt.

“I will say, Father Jacobi was probably my hardest hit to the heart,” Basista said.
Fr. Joseph Jacobi. Photo Avery Holt/Archdiocese of Oklahoma City.The hits accumulated last year at this time, when in the span of 12 days in late September, the archdiocese lost three beloved figures – Archbishop Emeritus Eusebius Beltran, Father Jacobi and Father Linh Bui.

Agony extended across the 46 counties of the archdiocese, impacting not only families of the three men, but brother priests and deacons, as well as the sort of extended family made up of the many parishioners served and loved by Archbishop Beltran, Father Jacobi and Father Bui.

As Monsignor William Novak said through tears during the homily for his dear friend Father Bui, the events had cast a “pall over us like we’ve never seen or felt before.”

The grief was real and far-reaching. And it needed attention.

And it needed God.

“It’s important to understand the depth and rich viewpoint that the Catholic Church offers us when it comes to suffering,” said Basista.

It focuses, she said, with Jesus on the cross, presenting his suffering.

“As a cradle Catholic, I heard this ad nauseum to the point of tuning it out,” Basista said. “But it has merit and deserves further exploration.

“So when we say offer it up, offer our suffering to him, he will be there for you, he will be there to catch you – we mean it.”

Of course, that’s not to say it will be easy. Navigating grief can be challenging, often bringing on a cascade of emotions. The five stages of grief – as outlined by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross – requires dealing with denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Experts say those stages, while different in intensity for all, must be negotiated, beginning with the person preparing for death.

“As a nurse in healthcare,” Basista said, “I have seen the peaceful death, the gold standard, the one that they seem completely at peace, they’re ready, they’ve handled all of their business and they have gone through mentally what they need to go through the grieving process and they feel at peace.”

Loved ones, too, face the five stages.

“The stages of grief are what they are, regardless of whether you’ve lost a spouse, whether you’ve lost a child, whether you are dealing with your own terminal diagnosis and losing your own life piece by piece,” Basista said.

For Catholics, there is the example of Jesus. And there’s another way to confront the stages, navigated through The Six Spiritual Principles of Grief, outlined by author and speaker Jeannie Ewing in her book “From Grief to Grace.”

Those principles are: 1. Humility of Heart; 2. Abandonment to Divine Providence; 3. Holy Indifference; 4. Understanding the Dark Night; 5. Confidence in God’s Timing; 6. The Wound of the Heart.

These are meant to serve as guideposts to help individuals navigate loss and redemptive suffering, the belief that human pain and hardship can become spiritually fruitful when freely united with the passion and death of Jesus Christ.

“These will be used by Catholic counselors, grief counselors,” Basista said. “Humility of the Heart is the foundation of all principles, because it requires us to move from self-pity, which everyone goes through – no matter how strong you are in your faith, you’re going to have that weak moment – toward focus on God.

“It requires vulnerability, allowing God to tear down emotional barricades.”

Basista lived it with Father Jacobi, whom she’d become close to, along with his family, during his difficult journey, from diagnosis to treatment, through periods of renewal, then, ultimately, to his death.

She had witnessed the ruthlessness of the cancer as a surgical nurse and understood the likely outcome.

“But I had never been personally involved at this level,” she said. “And though I knew the diagnosis wasn’t good, I still prayed for intercessions for a miracle, specifically to Blessed Stanley Rother.

“And it was not granted. But that doesn’t mean we stop praying. It just wasn’t meant to be. But I think I did ask the question, ‘Why, God, why? He was such a good priest. He was such a good man.’ And it took me a minute, because I was hurt. It was a loss.”

Eventually, Basista, whose job may never be more difficult than those 12 days last September, came to acceptance with Father Jacobi’s death.

“I told his sister Maureen on the phone, ‘We don’t have to like it. It’s OK to be angry. It’s OK not to like the outcome that he’s not here with us anymore. But knowing that he was at the acceptance phase, he had gone through his own grieving process and he was OK with it, that helped me significantly.

“Those were all blessings that I chose to see as blessings, placed upon him by God as blessings, even in the face of a terrible diagnosis.”

Even with Beltran, who died at the age of 91 having lived with a fullness of life, acceptance wasn’t immediate for those around him.

“Archbishop Beltran’s death was not easy for me,” said Carol Davito, who enjoyed a working relationship, as well as a lasting friendship with Archbishop Beltran that spanned across five decades. “However, I feel that I’m doing quite well. A lot of it is determination and prayer.

“Archbishop’s death will always be with me. But I realize that he is happy and so I must be happy for him and try to keep myself happy also. At least 20 years ago he told me that he was ready for eternity. I thought what a wonderful feeling to have.”

Not long after Beltran’s death, in January, Davito faced another major life event: retirement. Still, she’s arrived at a point where she says she’s “mostly at peace.”

“I talk with him some every day and I pray for him and to him and I ask for his help,” she said. “He will always be intensely missed.

“When he reached the point where he didn’t leave his home very often, he would always want to know about everything that I did that day. I miss being able to have those conversations. There is no doubt in my mind that he is in heaven, which is a goal that we shared.”

Where age and a dreaded diagnosis forced preparation of death in the cases of Archbishop Beltran and Father Jacobi, Father Bui was younger and healthy. And when he died following an accidental fall through the sacristy ceiling at his parish, Saint Ann Catholic Church in Elgin, it was a shock to an already staggered archdiocese, especially the Vietnamese community, whom he shepherded by welcoming and translating for many Vietnamese families new to Oklahoma.

Fr. Linh Bui. Photo Chris Porter/Sooner Catholic.“If he is not on the fast track to heaven,” Novak said during Bui’s funeral, “there is little hope for any of us. He was exceptionally Christ-like.”

Like Davito with Archbishop Beltran and Novak with Father Bui, Basista finds comfort with the belief Father Jacobi is enjoying an eternity in heaven.

“It’s still hard to talk about,” she said. “But I believe he’s up there and he’s praying for us. And someday, hopefully, we’ll see each other again.”

John Helsley is editor of the Sooner Catholic.

Photo: (Top) Taylor Basista, priests’ nurse, helped Archbishop Beltran with his medical care. Photo Avery Holt/Archdiocese of Oklahoma City.


Catholic Spiritual Principles of Grief
The six spiritual principles for moving through and healing from grief in Catholic spirituality, drawn from traditional contemplative teachings and writers like Cora Evans and Jeannie Ewing, focus on transforming pain through surrender and faith.
For a deeper look at the principles listed below, visit amazingcatechists.com or coraeveans.com.
1.    Humility of Heart: This is the foundation. It moves a person away from self-pity and toward God. It requires vulnerability and tearing down emotional barricades.
2.    Abandonment of Divine Providence: Building on humility, this principle involves surrendering wants, needs and worries into God’s hands with trust and patience.
3.    Holy Indifference: Rooted in Ignatian spirituality, this is not apathy. It means letting go of the need for a specific outcome to your prayers and accepting God’s “yes,” “no,” or “not yet.”
4.    The Dark Night of the Soul (Holy Darkness): This is a period of feeling spiritually dry, empty or abandoned by God. When experienced in a state of grace and closeness to the sacraments, it tests and deepens pure fidelity.
5.    Confidence in God’s Timing: Cultivating gratitude and thanking God ahead of time for what you cannot see. It means trusting that he is molding your sorrow into strength and peace.
6.    The Wound of the Heart: Based on mystical spirituality (such as Saint Thérèse of Lisieux), this teaches people how to suffer well. It unites grief and piercing pain with the wounds of Jesus, transforming suffering into an act of love.


Grief Resources
SSMHealth
ssmhealth.com/services/health-at-home/hospice-services/grief-bereavement 
Offers:
•    Telephone calls
•    Visits
•    Letters
•    Support group meetings
•    Individual and group counseling

MercyOne
mercyonehomecarehospice.org/bereavement-support
Offers:
•    Individual counseling
•    Support groups
•    Social gatherings
•    Informational resources

Catholic Charities, Archdiocese of Oklahoma City
catholiccharitiesok.org/counseling-services
Offers:
•    Short-term individual, couples and family counseling
•    English and Spanish counseling
•    Community education

Catholic Health Services
catholichealthservices.org/hospice/grief-support/
Offers:
•    Bereavement support for up to 13 months
•    Free support groups for adults (18+)
•    Bereavement hotline (305) 351-7025

Calm Waters
calmwaters.org/our-services/grief-support-groups/
Offers:
Grief support groups for:
•    Parent/sibling/other significant relationship
•    Spouse/partner loss over 55
•    Spouse loss under 55
•    Suicide loss
•    Teens
•    Three children groups: ages 10-12, 6-9, 3-5